Do not pick the old man with the beard.  Do not pick that depressed little boy/girl thing, either.  Do not pick the women, unless you plan on dykin' it out later (bowchikabowwow).. Usually you would pick the man with the bleached hair, but he is gay.  Trust me, he is.  He helped me pick out my window coverings last fall.  Okay, so you're left with that guy on the end of the table grabbing at his throat.  Do you have brown and yellow food in your mouth or are you just happy to see me?  Continue, ho.

This scary gym teacher woman will show you your first dance move.  First you must position your thigh between your "partner's" legs.  Keep one hand on his stomach to make sure he doesn't get away.  Now, lift your knee up in quick, thrusting motions.  Air will try to escape from his mouth but he will hold it in, because he will not want to hurt your feelings.  After all, you're probably the skankiest of them all, and he KNOWS how easy you'll be after a night of dancing.

Here is a close-up of the proper way to hold your partner.  Always stand behind him, even if you're 3 feet shorter.  This makes it harder for him to stare at your hideously pendulous boobs that are flopping out of your cheap-ass Discovery(tm) dress.

Now, THIS move is certainly a special one.  This must be done during those super cool euro-techno songs.  It's the latest dance, coming straight from Bulgaria!  So new that practically nobody knows about it yet.  Don't be afraid to try it out.  Simply knock your partner to the ground with one of your massively large breasts and proceed to straddle him and push on his stomach.  Take on a look of concern and worry about his well being, but don't look at his eyes.  Look into his nose.  This is where the Germans will hide.

Near the end of the night, most of the males will be curled up in the corners drinking and comparing their muscles and talking about football and making out with each other.  Don't concern yourself with them.  Many midgets come out during this part of the night.  Find one that looks like Conan O'Brien.  Now, here comes the tricky part.  You must appear as though you are sitting on an invisible chair.  Then, you flip the midget over and rest him on your pudgy legs.  He will struggle, wag his arms and legs around furiously, but ignore that.  Try to pick up the beat of the music.  Thump along with it on his back.  Do this until he is unconscious.

This is the final move that I will be teaching you.  First, you must find a chair.  This may be hard to do, since you are most likely a dumbass.  They are those things that you sit on.  They are made out of wood or metal, sometimes plastic.  Sometimes they fold, other times they have wheels and roll around.  Find one that's made out of a durable material and has extra-sharp edges.  Place this against a wall so it will not try to run away when it sees your ugly cow face running towards it.  Run towards it.  Make sure you bulge our eyes out and puff up your cheeks.  This makes people think you are pooping in your pants.  In Japan, as you probably already know, pooping in your pants is all the rage.  Try to hit the chair just above your belly button.  If you hit it ON the belly button, your nasty infected belly button ring might get shoved into one of those rolls of fat that you've got there.  When you hit the chair, scream out "KILL WHITEY!"